Im amazed how one singel decision made with the most honest feelings, love, good-will can turn into the worst decision in someones life.
It doesnt seem to matter how long ago it was made, suddenly its there and its there to haunt you, destroy you. Once started there is no way to stop it and not only do you feel helpless, you feel completely and utterly cheated, by that decision, by life, by a higher power.
It can destroy the strongest of families, relationships and or friendships. And i cant help to wonder how things would have turned out to be if that decision never had been made. There is of course no way of knowing but the outcome will definitely had been different, for better for worst.
There is no way of knowing when you are making such a decision, since you make it with all the good intentions and with all the love in your heart and there is no way of knowing the outcome or even suspect when it will come or a way of preparing yourself for it, since you did it for someone else and in noway with ill-intentions.
I feel as if i have been cheated ,
by a slow but relentlessly progresive EVIL-power,
that cant be stopped ,
that cant be changed,
no matter how much i try
it gets worst,
no matter how much i give
it just grows.
Dear God,
i feel cheated , for when i did someone good i got something bad.
Some people , like myself, tend to worry and think things over a wee bit too much sometimes.... and i have come to realize that i have stated to do that more and more often as i grow older. The older i get the more i have to lose , the more i worry about losing what i have .....
Here come some things i have always gone by (and some others i have found and thought ill share them) and that i think still help me every now and again , hope it helps you too :-)
"If there is a problem and there is a solution then don’t worry. If you have a problem and there is no solution then what is the point of worrying." Dalai Lama
well i have had a really nice and long summer break , but now im back :- )
Actually summer ended in the beggining of August when i started working, it feels good to be back at work, i do a good job and they are happy with me , the clients are also happy with me , they even sent in a thank you note to the local papper :-D
Always nice to receive positive feedback. Specially when the whole work place even your boss finds out and not because you tell him / her.
Well summer was wonderful. I have soo many nice memories from the great concert i went to , which i got as a present in may, to the short vacation in öland, and all the days we have spent with new and old friends and family , but most of all i have really enjoyed being with my children ( who i love to bits and it is a fantastic feeling being able to have been with for so long ) and my LOVE !! Jennie, of course, i enjoy her, her company, her smile her laughter, the way she is, her strong caracter.... her eyes , her neck, her lips, her innocent sensuality and most of all her positiveness, her energy and passion to do things .
Im tired of being MYSELF right now, or better said im tired of being who i am right now, an unhappy, insecure, low self-steemed guy, but im working and trying to come out of this ME, that it is not ME, im a happy go lucky kinda of guy, or i was , i dont know when i lost that.... but i can see it myself.... i can feel it myself, and i cant live life like this anymore , im tired and fed up of it, so from now on more positive , one day at a time, but always more positive than before.
Sometimes we all get hunged up in the bad things and see them all the time, i have to start concentrating more often on the good things.
As of monday we will have moved to another house... i hope all of us ... if Jennie will have me ;-)
But since im positive ( or at least trying to be ) i think she will take me with her :-) or at least i hope so .... :-D
Dont want this first post to be too long , so tills tomorrow , unless we are too busy moving .
And being able to show my feelings and really say howIfeel ?
And be understood or at least listened to ?
Whatever happened to REAL -LIFE people being more important
than facebook people ?
When did they become more important than me ?
Whatever happened to You and Me being 1 ?
If I haven't misunderstood it
I'm just supposed to trust your word
when the last few months
your words have hurt like mad ?
I don't say to people that you have it TOO WELL !! with me
or put you down in any way,
ALWAYS think about you first,
When i do or say things
and i always ALWAYS try to give you the best of what i have
For if you are happy, I'm happy,
the problem is
some of the things that make you happy
hurt me.
So i guess it is your way or the highway ?!
When all i want is to be treated with the same respect, consideration
that i treat you with.
I take your feelings into account, they are EXTREMELY valuable to me and US as a couple
If you don't like something that involves YOU being hurt or feeling low or just think it is not appropriate me saying about you.
I don't DO IT!
I take it back if possible
I ALWAYS tend to leave YOU on a high note , when i talk about you
about how you are, what you do
both personally, intimately, physically, psychologically, you name it .
That is probably the reason why I don't like it
when you flirt with others,
when you prioritise others,
be it their time or feelings or anything else for that matter.
Because i ALWAYS have prioritised YOU !
and how you feel, or thought
"how would she feel about this? "
"How would i feel about this is she was doing it to me ? "
So YES , I tread carefully when i say things about you or do things that you may not agree with.
I don't feel like arguing , in fact I hate it , I feel ill when we do.
Are there really any arguments that are unnecessary ? Sure there is, loads, and probably most can be avoided by knowing each other well and knowing what we expect of each other, knowing where we have each other and trusting that the other half will do the right thing.
When people really close to you say things like
" what happens on the boat stays on the boat " !
I wonder ....
if it was her partner , how would she like it if others did the same thing ?
What kind of message does it send ?
You don't want to build a relationship on mistrust, neither do I ,
and even in the case that it was said as a joke,
you know that at least 70% of the jokes we do, WE DO actually mean it !
SO i ask, is that what you want to build your relationships on ?
You are supposed to be who YOU are , and still be able to be loved,
don't you feel loved ? Don't I show it enough or say it enough ?
Don't I desire you enough ? or respect you enough ? have I not done enough to show my love for you ?
nobody is asking you to change , only to show consideration, for my feelings for me as a human being, as an equal to you , as 50 % of the relationship you are in , as your partner, your lover, your friend.
Since nowadays the only who reads my blog is you , I could write anything here but I'm still careful with which words i use and how I say things.
I don't find it normal some of the things that you do or like, but that is who you are, i try to accept it and do so as long as it doesn't involve me in any bad way,
From the music you like, food, games , TV series , career choices, studies, books, friends, family,
to your dreams and spiritual believes and things you would like to achieve in life .
I respect every single one of them , and support you to the best of my abilities with them, and will continue doing so.
But when i feel a threat, something that is not right, something i wouldn't do to you and hoped you wouldn't do to me,
But do,
the i feel sad.
So maybe we need to get to know each other again, without taking US ( or what we think we know about each other )
for granted.
So here im pleading you, to tell me who you are and HOW you are, and since you know how i feel about things amybe even tell me if i will get hurt or not.
Then let me do the same to you ,
then we can decide together or separate what we need to do or what is there ( if anything ) that we can do or need to do ,
if we want to be together.
This video that follows it is dedicated to you, ( change boy for girl ) and how i feel about you.
Always have always will, as long as we are together.
Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose
